Are you a touchy-feely artist who got an MFA, or a soulless corporate mercenary who got an MBA?

1. Your program promised you access to world-class professional opportunities then buried you in crushing, insurmountable debt.

2. A legendary faculty member offered to mentor you, then sent a dick pic.

3. Recruiters said graduates of your program make a positive difference in the world. In reality, your degree exacerbates and perpetuates existing problems throughout your industry and across society.

4. You learned a bunch of esoteric and theoretical concepts which 1) have no practical application in the real world, 2) have zero impact on your earning potential, and 3) ensure you’re a miserable, know-it-all twat who can’t enjoy anything and is painful to be around.

5. Your high school friends think you’re a joke.

6. Tech bros are working tirelessly to automate your career.

7. The loudest, most obnoxious, and least talented people you graduated with are richer and more successful than you.

8. Your parents think you’re a disappointment.

9. Alumni reunions send you into a fit of nihilistic despair and homicidal rage.

10. Your children are working tirelessly to undermine your career.

11. Marrying into generational wealth would’ve been a saner, more profitable career path.

12. Your coworkers, colleagues, and contemporaries think you’re an asshole.

13. Each night, as you’re strangled by the cold, remorseless Invisible Hand, you decry the meaningless, interminable drudgery of your existence, rue your missed opportunities, lament your stalled career prospects, and—while contemplating the futility, fragility, and finitude of life—fail to convince yourself the experience was worth it.

14. Everyone thinks you’re a sellout.

Key: The answer to each question is touchy-feely artist who got an MFA and soulless, corporate mercenary who got an MBA.

Shoutout to Catherine Baab for contributing to this piece!