Asymmetric Warfare

Date: April 20, 2029
Location: Pensacola, Florida
Belligerents: Pensacola Patriots vs. U.S. Navy
Result: Victory, U.S. Navy

Casualties and Materiel Losses

Pensacola Patriots: 872 insurgents killed, 3,891 AR-15s and semi-automatic weapons seized, 4 pontoon boats and 1 luxury yacht sunk

U.S. Navy: 0 casualties, 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. Government Statement: “The onset of civil conflict marks a sad and tragic day for all Americans,” said Barack Obama, former U.S. President and Acting Secretary of War. “Sad and tragic—and also hilarious.”

Date: May 20, 2029
Location: Battle Creek, Michigan
Belligerents: Wolverine Watchmen vs. U.S. Army
Result: Victory, U.S. Army

Casualties and Materiel Losses

Wolverine Watchmen: 1,117 traitors liberated, 2,997 AR-15s and semi-automatic weapons confiscated, 3 tanks recycled

U.S. Army: 0 casualties, 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. Government Statement: “God, that was better than sex,” U.S. President Gretchen Whitmer said.

Date: May 24, 2029
Location: West Odessa, Texas
Belligerents: Permian Albino Panthers vs. U.S. Air Force
Result: Victory, U.S. Air Force

Casualties and Materiel Losses

Permian Albino Panthers: 16,666 chauvinists seared, 39,542 AR-15s and semi-automatic weapons incinerated, 5 tanks and 47 armored vehicles smelted, 2 football fields razed

U.S. Air Force: 0 casualties, 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. Government Statement: “Real-time satellite surveillance, smartphone GPS tracking, and on-site facial recognition technology confirmed the insurgents had isolated themselves west of Odessa’s commercial and civilian corridor,” said Ted Cruz, Princeton University President and Special Military Advisor to the Pentagon. “Deploying a tactical nuclear weapon was an unorthodox approach, but it kept our brave servicemen and servicewomen out of harm’s way.”

Date: June 14, 2029
Location: Quincy, Massachusetts
Belligerents: Beantown Bullies vs. U.S. Marines
Result: Victory, U.S. Marines

Casualties and Materiel Losses

Beantown Bullies: 3,890 Massholes murdered, 13,278 baseball bats burned

U.S. Marines: 0 casualties, 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. government statement: “Man, fuck the Red Sox,” said Hakeem Jeffries, U.S. Vice President.

Date: July 4, 2029
Location: Chandler, Arizona
Belligerents: Phoenix Philistines vs. U.S. Allied Forces
Result: Victory, U.S. Allied Forces

Casualties and Materiel Losses

Phoenix Philistines: 17,987 martyrs martyred, 1 cause lost

U.S. Allied Forces: 1 casualty (a Blackwater contractor twisted his ankle while digging a mass grave), 0 materiel losses

Official U.S. Government Statement: “The hard work of American democracy continues,” U.S. President Gretchen Whitmer said. “These impotent cowards and gutless deserters will never derail progress, which is why today I’m excited to announce PROJECT LIBERTY. The soon-to-be-uninhabitable state of Arizona will be transformed into a government-sanctioned concentration camp for conspiracy theorists, critical thinkers, anti-miscegenation advocates, and traitors masquerading as patriots.”

Department of the Interior Secretary Dylan Mulvaney added: “Our one-trillion-dollar investment will include erecting hundreds of miles of eighty-foot concrete walls as well as establishing a solar-powered high-speed rail network. We’ll provide dignified jobs to proud, hardworking Americans while modernizing our national infrastructure.”

“Derivative? Sure,” said Kurt Russell, Special Liaison to the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers. “But the best ideas are timeless.”