Avant-garde Halloween Costume Ideas

Brexit

Smartly dress your child as Mary Poppins, Winston Churchill, or King Charles III. Next, roll them around in hog feces, smear Marmite all over their faces and hands, and douse them in Old Peculier. Remove one of their shoes and hand them a dogeared copy of Oliver Twist.

When begging for inclusion in the single candy market, instruct your child to say, “The sun never sets on the British Empire” instead of “Trick-or-Treat.”

Inflation

Purchase the cheapest suit you can find online at JCPenney. Procure a large wheelbarrow and fill it with sand. Dig a watermelon-sized hole in the middle of the sandpile.

Escort your child to the door of each house by pushing the wheelbarrow behind them. Have your child ring the bell.

When buying bonds to stimulate candy purchases in the open market, instead of saying “Trick-or-Treat,” have your child introduce themselves as the Chairperson of the Federal Reserve Board, insist that “inflation is transitory,” and bury their head in the sand.

Cancel Culture

Dress your child in a t-shirt emblazoned with a classic rock (e.g., Lynyrd Skynyrd) or heavy metal (e.g., GWAR) band, Levi’s jeans, and Converse All-Stars. Ruffle their hair and add make-up depicting a five o’clock shadow. Dab Pabst Blue Ribbon on their neck and chest for fragrance. Write “3rd Panzer Division” on their forearm and “BEAST” across their neck using a permanent marker.

When demanding candy due to reverse racism, instead of saying “Trick-or-Treat,” have your child declare themselves a “Critical thinker, Bro” and announce their upcoming Netflix special deriding the perils of cancel culture.

Extinction

Dress your child normally. Cut a hole into a large, transparent, inflatable pool raft. Insert your child and various insects, birds, amphibians, reptiles, and small mammals inside the raft. Inflate with air. Re-seal the hole while leaving small punctures for venting.

Affix two pressurized, cylindrical gas cannisters to the raft’s inflation port, one dispensing air (78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 1% argon) and the other dispending carbon dioxide (100%). Double the rate of flow of carbon dioxide into the raft relative to air.

When imploring a passive, disinterested public to take immediate candy action, have your child scream “We’re running out of time!” instead of “Trick-or-Treat.”

Democracy

An excellent option for large groups, start by dressing most of the children in their favorite costumes. This is the proletariat.

Find and separate the most annoying kid. Dress him in a red Adidas track suit and black Kangol beret and blanket his chest with military-inspired medals, pins, and accolades. Find several large children. Dress them as soldiers and police officers and provide them with heavy-duty Billy clubs. Instruct them to stand behind the annoying kid. This is the state.

When seizing all candy while the secret police bludgeon the other children into submission, instead of saying “Trick-or-Treat,” have the annoying kid proclaim: “Might makes right.”

Finally, if none of these options work, you can always dress your kid up as an SS Officer or a Grand Wizard, because America.