The Lit Bro Chronicles

Lit Bro's a self-styled critical thinker who does his own research, despises authority, loves authoritarians, shouts the things we all know are true but are too scared to say out loud, and believes Western Civilization peaked in the 1830s.

LIT BRO READS

JAMES

I’m supposed to believe a slave named Jim is actually a deeply thoughtful and introspective man—with agency—who prefers to be called James, speaks grammatically correct English, and is capable of philosophizing with Locke and Voltaire? Fuck outta here, Bro. This is why nobody buys books anymore.

FLORIDA

Bro, if the progressive man-haters and radical feminists in this book would’ve become Trad Wives, instead of French Lit professors or whatever, then all of their pathetic, first-world problems could’ve been avoided. Let that be a lesson, bit–ladies.

THE GREAT GATSBY

Bro, did you know Jay Gatsby was Jeffrey Epstein’s paternal grandfather and Nick Carraway is Joe Biden’s uncle? Coincidence? I think not, Bro.

YELLOWFACE

So let me get this straight: A real Asian chick writes a novel where she pretends to be a fake White chick, then—in the novel—the White chick steals a manuscript from a dead Asian chick, but then pretends to be a different Asian chick, even though she’s still a fictional White chick written by an actual Asian chick. Bro, that’s like M.C. Escher-level reverse racism.

CHAIN GANG ALL-STARS

In the not-too-distant future there’s a reality show where prisoners are forced to fight to the death on national television. Bro, it’s about goddamned time Bravo developed some good programming.

LIT BRO PLAYS

HADES

Fantastic combat system, excellent voice acting, killer soundtrack, and incredible replay value. Most importantly, Bro, all the Olympian and Chthonic Gods are Aryans.

INSTAGRAM

IG is the absolute best place on the internet to eye-bone prepubescent girls, Bro. Seven statutory erections out of five.

LIT BRO WATCHES

WILDCAT

They say a good movie’s hard to find. Well Bro, this avant-garde snoozefest ain’t exactly Starship Troopers.

BOJACK HORSEMAN

Horseboy pounds drugs, lays pipe, and doesn’t even have to write his own best-selling memoir. Sounds dope, right Bro?

Wrong.

See, Horsecuck is sad, which means he can’t stop moping around, self-sabotaging, and alienating his friends and family.

What are you talking about, Bro?

Obviously I have nothing in common with this future gluestick. Sure, my parents were abusive, and I got bullied in middle school, and I feel insecure around women, and struggle with intimacy, and have difficulty expressing my feelings, and—fine—I guess I do suffer from impulse control issues. Sometimes I cry at night, too. Every night, actually.

But the comparisons stop there, Bro!

I’m not some fucking beta-horse.

JOHN WICK

Seriously Bro, you don’t fuck with a man’s dog. Especially an adorable puppy gifted to a grieving husband by his recently deceased wife. Certain things transcend the culture war, Bro. Ask Kristi Noem.

THE SOPRANOS

This fat fucking goombah, who’s part of a once proud institution in irreversible decline, realizes the American Dream is bullshit, gets hella depressed, and sees his personal life crumble. Bro, as a metaphor for this country, the shit’s a little on the nose.